why?

Do you ever ask yourself why? Why things happen a certain why? Have you ever asked yourself what if or tried to analyze a situation to see what may have happened if you chose door three like a choose your own adventure story. Life doesn't happen that way. I can't go back and say, oh, I was just kidding. I really meant to choose door 2, or upon opening that door and reading a little bit further and deciding that it was not the best option.. again, go back to the beginning and choose the next door.. door 1... and finally, as you read through the script, discover that yes, this is the best option for a variety of reasons.. mainly it provides happiness at the end...is how it was always meant to be in my mind... and possibly love everlasting... in all a good ending for me, for the people I love.. and in the end, good wins over evil.

Sometimes I wish that life was like the choose your own adventure books, where I could skim what may happen and then choose a door. I would be prepared for what may come or happen... I would know the heartache, the loss, the joys, the sorrows, the highs and the lows. Life is so not like that, and how I wish it was, and yet, then I wouldn't be surprised when things happened and I would be in control, not God. Sometimes I can't see His hand, and in this season, I really can't. It's a fight to see it, and a fight to let my heart be broken and give it to Him wondering if in His time can He heal it? I've known loss, but this loss seems like it is buried deep, and as Abba's daughter, I find myself questioning my Creator.. is this really good? Are YOU really good? Because as I look at what I can see, I don't see good. I see broken. I see tears. I see loss. I see mourning. I see grief. I don't see good. I see real raw anguish, and good that has disappeared.

I see the ugliness in myself arise as I compare, as I fear, as I covet that which my friends or family have that I do not. I see its ugly head come out as I question my Abba over and over again and just want to walk the other way and leave it all behind.

But then there is that part of me that still believes, still hopes, still knows that my Abba is the best part of my life... that without Him, I would be hopelessly lost. Without Him, I wouldn't be. He is still the One I desire, the One I want, the One I need... that in the deepest place, I find myself calling out to Him... do not leave me, do not forsake me, do not leave me as I am... for I desperately need YOU ... to know YOU... to hear from YOU... to surrender all of this at your feet knowing that You are good... knowing and believing that what looks like good to me, doesn't to you... knowing that it's ok to move on ... it's ok when you are here with me, beside me.. even when You are silent, even when I'm listening and don't hear Your voice... I'll trust that You are here.